~ Bailey Shawley, M.Ed, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting and Educational Consultant
Most parenting reactions come from a place of annoyance or embarrassment. Read that again. As parents, we tend to “parent” our children the most when we have negative emotional reactions to our kids’ behaviors. For example, your kid calls your name fifteen times but you were on your phone at first and didn’t realize what was happening, so you don’t snap until the sixteenth time because you can’t take it anymore. Or, your kids are more lax with their manners at home and you don’t address it, but then you snap when they don’t exhibit perfect manners in public. Or, you worry that your kids’ behaviors will be viewed as a direction reflection of your personal success or failure, so you start nagging and jumping all over them for every little thing a week before you all attend a public event together.
If any of that sounds familiar, then you are falling into the trap of parenting from the outside instead of parenting from the inside. Parents are at their best when they remember that they and their children are human. That’s when we are most mindful of our words, tone, and behavior toward our kids. And, that’s when we worry more about consistently connecting with them instead of constantly correcting them. We are mindful of protecting their hearts from our words and criticism.
In all fairness, it’s easiest to remember that our kids are sponges when they are young. They mimic our movements and sounds and pick up on our phrases. We think it’s cute and funny, and we are so mindful of the fact that they are watching and listening to our every move that we filter our language and tone much more carefully. The last thing we need is our child using profanity at pre-school! But, as our kids age, we don’t think of them as sponges anymore because they don’t display sponge-like behavior. The only problem with that frame of mind is that our kids are at their spongiest for social-emotional behavior when they are in their tween years. They are trying to become independent individuals but use us as their models. So, if we react angrily with hurtful words every time someone makes a mistake or embarrasses us, they will, too. If we nitpick about their outfits and appearance every morning, they will internalize that and do the same to themselves.
But, if we listen with compassion and respond with support, they will learn to do that themselves. We shush our babies to help them calm, but we forget that our tweens and teens need just as much guidance through self-regulation as they did through co-regulation when they were infants.
Our tweens and teens have so much more to struggle with than we did at their age. Can you imagine what your tween and teen years would have been like with social media, the ability to contact all of your friends instantly via video, and cyberbullying? Can you imagine how difficult it would be to know who you are when millions of videos tell you who you should be every single day?
Our words, reactions, glances, tone – all of it matters when we interact with our kids. We cannot approach them negatively from a place of our own negative emotions or thoughts. We cannot focus on or worry about what others will think, especially when all parents struggle and all kids make mistakes. We need to parent for our family and no one else. Be mindful of the things your kids are doing right. Teachers call that “catching them being good.” Praise your kids. Encourage them. Support them. And, celebrate them so they know your love really is unconditional. Take the time to calm yourself and regulate your emotions before you address your kids’ missteps and mistakes. You’ll be a much better parent, and you’ll have much happier, more positive kids when you do.
When you’re ready to schedule an individual, parenting, or group consultation, reach out. The first consultation is free of charge to make sure we are a good fit and is available online or in person. Or, schedule a Reiki healing session or chakra reading. All B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free.
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