~ Bailey Shawley, M.Ed, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant
Anger is quick. It is strong. It can build and twist and devour. It is difficult to manage and control. And it often leads to meanness. So, when your children suddenly act out, throw tantrums, forget all the rules and expectations, become defiant or disrespectful, use a tone you never thought you would hear from your sweet baby… well, your anger and frustration quickly can be directed at them.
Many of my recent blog posts and Facebook posts have centered on co-regulation because it is that time of year when kids are overstimulated, overbooked, and overwhelmed, and parents need to help them work through their emotions in healthy ways. But, who will help you work through your emotions in a healthy way first, so that you can co-regulate with your kids? Unfortunately, that answer most often is… you. And, many parents struggle with emotional regulation themselves, so it is especially difficult for them to help their children through co-regulation.
As the adult in the situation, you should remain more calm, level-headed, and helpful than your child does when emotions run high. That also means that you should remain kind. Most important, parents need to recognize the need for mental health support and treatment if their trauma response is fighting, or if they have unhealed intergenerational trauma. Parents with unhealed trauma cannot expect to handle triggering situations in healthy ways, which also means that they need to do the work themselves to break the cycle of trauma so they and their kids can be mentally and physically well. It’s tough to be the adult if your trauma takes you to an emotionally reactive, impulsive, angry, and mean place.
While traumatic experiences adversely impact the brain, evidence-based trauma work heals the brain. I provide education and support on trauma, emotional regulation, co-regulation, and coping skills during my individual, parenting, and family consulting sessions. I have extensive training in trauma-informed practices including Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and I am a Certified Clinical Trauma Specialist – Family (CCTS-F). I intentionally designed my consulting services to complement mental health services, so that parents and kids who meet diagnostic criteria can engage in mental health therapy with a clinical mental health provider while engaging in family work with me through consulting sessions. Sometimes, parents qualify for mental health treatment but their children don’t meet diagnostic criteria themselves; that’s why I provide individual consulting sessions for kids ages five and up. Just like adults, kids, adolescents, and teens benefit from talking with a trained listener, learning their own coping skills, and understanding how to identify and move through their emotions in safe ways.
I know parents aren’t supposed to say that their kids make them have negative emotions, but parents do feel things when their kids engage in triggering behaviors or actions. It is imperative that parents manage their emotions in healthy ways to keep the connection, communication, and comprehension strong in their family. But, if parents never learned to self-regulate in a healthy way, co-regulation can be an impossible task. My colleagues and I at Pine Creek Valley Wellness Center are here to help. We all use trauma-informed practices, and we all have specializations to ensure we meet your needs in addition to your family’s needs.
When you’re ready to schedule an individual, parenting, or group consultation, reach out. The first consultation is free of charge to make sure we are a good fit and is available online or in person. Or, schedule a Reiki healing session or chakra reading. All B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free.
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