~Bailey Shawley, M.Ed, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant
Times are tough. We just lost an hour of daylight. Parent-teacher conferences are being scheduled. Winter sports and spring musical parent meetings are being held. School and extracurricular fundraisers are out of control. Kids are a quarter of the way through the school year, and the projects and tests and grades are in full swing. We still are trying to figure out what to do with all of our leftover Halloween candy, and now Christmas commercials are running rampant. Families are hammering out Thanksgiving travel plans and meals while aunts are asking everyone for holiday wishlists. Illnesses are on the rise again. Finances and time are running short this time of year. And, we are living in an extremely divided country, to put it mildly. Some people are afraid, some are angry, some are emboldened, some are ecstatic, some are vengeful, some are nervous… and the majority of us are stressed regardless of whether we voted blue or red.
So, what do we do to make these tough times a little easier? I discussed in a recent blog post the need for slowing down and setting boundaries when stressed. Those suggestions and strategies are helpful and beneficial. But, at times like this, I encourage you to remember that spending time with the people who care the most about you, who accept and understand you, who allow you to be yourself and say what’s on your heart and mind, is just as important. You can, and should, take steps on your own to reduce your busyness and help yourself during times of high stress. But, you also should surround yourself with people who are good for you.
One of the first things therapists ask parents of struggling kids is what their friendships and relationships with peers are like. Kids who keep to themselves, don’t interact with others or seek socialization, and lack close friends raise some red flags for their teachers, parents, and coaches. And yet, it is very common for adults with high levels of stress to isolate and avoid their friends, too. It is precisely that lack of personal connection that can lead us to suffer so much longer than we need to, even if we are trying to engage in self-care activities at the same time.
Many of us in the mental health and substance abuse treatment world are very familiar with the Rat Park studies completed by Bruce Alexander and colleagues in the 1970s. The studies found that rats living isolated in cages were far more likely to drink from a water bottle laced with drugs to the point of overdosing and dying than rats who lived in communities. In fact, the rats who lived with a community did not overdose once. The study showed the world that social communities can win out over drugs and changed the way that we view addiction. The other implication of the study is that humans, like rats, need community to thrive: in fact, research shows that the benefits of social contact are powerful enough to diminish the effects of other risk factors and increase life expectancy.
Be mindful when choosing your people and the ways in which you socially connect while you’re prioritizing your well-being. Don’t overstimulate yourself by going out with large groups or going to a noisy place in which you are uncomfortable. It’s okay if your circle is small right now.
- Plan a progressive dinner with your best friends.
- Go to a fun movie with your longtime friend.
- Schedule an hour at the local coffee shop with the person who makes you laugh the most.
- Go for a walk with the person who doesn’t need to talk much when spending time with you.
- Go to an exercise class, wellness workshop, or painting class with the friend who’s always up for anything.
- Join a local club, organization, or volunteer group that shares your beliefs and values.
Once you find your people, talk to them, connect with them, and give support to and take support from them as often as you can.
Tough times don’t last forever, even if it feels that way right now. Just don’t make times tougher for yourself by isolating or shutting down. Reach out to the people who help you feel better in healthy ways. Connecting with the right people will do a world of good for all of us.
If you’re struggling to find your people, reach out to schedule an individual consultation with me. I’m a trauma-informed, trained listener who can help you determine how to move forward and support you while you do so. And, if you already have a great group of people but are struggling to relieve stress and relax, contact me to schedule a chakra reading or a Reiki healing session. All B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free.
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