All the Hats

~Bailey Shawley, M.Ed, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant

It’s when we have the most demands as parents that we realize just how many hats we wear. Beyond our moniker of “mom” or “dad,” we also are chauffeur, coach, chef, storyteller, housekeeper, dishwasher, tutor, organizer, planner, timekeeper, nurturer, peacekeeper, therapist… well, you get the picture. Add that to our job titles, our family titles (daughter, sister, niece), and our social titles (volunteer, board member, community leader), and that’s far too many hats for one person to wear. I am reminded of the illustrations from a favorite childhood book, Caps for Sale. The peddler walks through the town wearing all of the caps he sells on his head. When I was young, I believed it would be fun to walk around wearing all of those hats every day. Now, I know better.

As parents, we should accept the fact that we don’t wear some of our hats as well as we wear others. After all, we naturally have strengths and weaknesses. Unfortunately, that’s where some of my stress, anxiety, and frustration used to originate – I felt like I needed to wear all of the hats all of the time, and that I had to wear all of them perfectly. It took a lot of internal work to realize that I was putting too much pressure on myself and setting unrealistic expectations. Now, I know that I am a decent cook, even though I still burn pancakes and can’t quite coordinate main dishes and side dishes so that everything is ready to eat at the same time. So, I have accepted that my chef’s hat frequently is a little askew. And, I’ve accepted that my dishwasher hat nearly falls off my head when I’m juggling all of my other hats. But, I continue to struggle with the fact that it is the nurse hat that I don’t wear very well at all. In fact, it’s the hat I wish I didn’t have.

To say that dealing with bandages and blood is far from my strength is an understatement. I remember my brother having a nasty bicycle accident years ago while our parents weren’t home. I took one look at him and told him to go to the bathroom; I then instructed him to clean and bandage his wounds through the bathroom door so that I didn’t have to see anything again. My first year of teaching, a boy sliced his hand open on his locker and as soon as I knew he was in good hands with the school nurse, I put my head between my knees so I wouldn’t pass out. When my husband had his wisdom teeth extracted, I thought I could drive him home because I had my wisdom teeth extracted when I was in high school. Unfortunately, as soon as the oral surgeon took me into recovery to see my still-loopy husband and started talking about dry sockets, I fainted, and my mom had to come and drive us home.

I can admit it: I have a weak stomach and don’t handle blood well. But, what I’ve learned over the years as a classroom teacher, and then a mom, and then an aunt, and then a CPR-certified school-based counselor is that I can be helpful in an emergency medical situation until an adult who wears a medical hat much more adeptly than I do comes on the scene. I can focus and help as long as I need to when I am the only adult in the situation, and then I step aside and allow others with stronger stomachs to take charge.

So, I probably should not even have a nursing hat, but that’s not how life works. In recognizing that I must have it, I’ve been able to do what needs to be done until the people whose nursing hats fit more securely come to the rescue. More importantly, I’ve learned that I must be able to tell others – my colleagues, my husband, and my friends – when I need help with the medical things. I used to carry shame about it – seriously, what kind of a wife cannot even drive home her husband after a wisdom teeth extraction – but now I understand that I planned ahead and had the soft foods and medication ready to go because that was a strength of mine. That hat fits snugly and looks good on me.

So, which hats do you wear well, and which sit askew on your head? How much guilt and shame do you have about your ill-fitting hats? Do you know how to give yourself grace when situations demanding the snuggest of hats arise but yours is barely sitting on your head? As parents, we have to wear far too many hats. That’s just how it goes. But, we don’t have to wear all of them well because that’s not realistic. We just have to know how to ask for help – and be willing to ask for it. Together, we have all the hats.

If you don’t know how to manage all of your roles as a parent, or feel overwhelmed by it all, reach out to schedule a consultation. The initial one is free of charge to ensure we are a good fit for one another and is available in person or online. All B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free. Or, if you need help relaxing and letting go of the stress of wearing all the hats, contact me to schedule a half-hour or full-hour Reiki healing session or half-hour chakra reading.