Out of Bounds

~Bailey Shawley, M.Ed, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant

Boundaries. I do so much work with clients and their boundaries, and I have been talking with my colleagues about boundaries nearly every day – yes, mental health professionals utilize boundaries, too. We really do practice what we preach. I also discussed boundaries as a guest on The Intuitive Teacher Podcast, in an episode on navigating family dynamics during the holidays. As we return to work and school after the holiday season, I think a reminder about boundaries is in order.

We are made acutely aware of the boundary line as kids learning how to play 4-Square, Hopscotch, kickball, soccer, T-ball, and so on. Kids holler, coaches yell, and refs blow whistles when we step on or across the line. I still can hear some of my elementary school classmates yelling, “You were out of bounds!” I secretly wish we had someone following us around as adults every day doing the same things, as we tend to neglect boundaries as we age. Boundaries in our adult lives should be just as visible and respected as they were when we were kids. Read that again.

But, I think we worry about upsetting other people or making others think that we are unreasonable or ridiculous when we set and maintain our boundaries as adults. Some of that may be a trauma response, some of that may be people pleasing, and some of that may be low self-esteem. I don’t think we all automatically turn into doormats at a specific age. But I think we have trouble saying “no” to commitments and invitations more than we should, especially during the holidays. We just feel obligated to do so much more, from attending parties and gatherings, to overextending our finances, to agreeing to help with all of the things at school, and we can lose the joy and excitement of the holiday season when we add unnecessary stress from agreeing to things that we don’t want to do or that don’t serve us well. As we come out of the holiday season, it is essential to be mindful of boundaries and protect our peace as we move into the new year.

I also think we should reconsider our perception of boundaries. We think we will be penalized for stepping out of bounds, since that is how we first were introduced to boundary lines as kids. As adults, however, we need to realize that we can – and should – set our own boundaries and try to stay inside them to protect our well-being; boundaries aren’t just about avoiding penalties. Perhaps even more important is recognizing that our boundaries are meant to protect us from others invading our space and disrupting our peace. That’s why, in addition to having clients visualize their boundaries like they would when playing a sport, I also guide them through recognizing how staying in bounds helps them as well. It becomes less about being penalized if we step out of bounds and more about helping ourselves by honoring our boundaries.

If you would like some support and guidance in setting boundaries, reach out or schedule a session using the secure client portal. The initial consultation is free of charge to ensure we are a good fit for one another, and all B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free. You also can schedule a chakra reading or Reiki healing session to promote relaxation and self healing.