~ Bailey Shawley, M.Ed, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant
This is the time of year when kids switch classes, get semester reports, and face a long stretch of school days without many breaks. It’s also the time of year that standardized test preparation goes into high gear. It’s a lot for our little ones, but it’s also a lot for our big kids. Lately, I’ve had a lot of parents questioning how to keep their kids motivated for school and how to help them through this long haul. I also find it interesting that I’ve also had parents ask me how to help their kids put less pressure on themselves. It seems like it’s either one end of the spectrum or the other with these kids and their academics.
It can feel a lot like a balancing act when supporting kids through school. As an educational consultant, I appreciate the challenges parents face. We worry that our kids are going to fail and be held back. We worry that they aren’t keeping up with their work. We worry that they are more worried about socializing than about learning. And for some parents, the worries are completely different. We worry that our kids won’t sleep because they feel like they have to study all night. We worry that our kids won’t put down their books long enough to make friends. We worry that our kids are unfairly thought of as know-it-alls. There really is so much to worry about.
But, sometimes, parents worry about the wrong things at the wrong time. One thing I encourage parents to do is become mindful of whether they transfer their own worries to their children. For example, I saw a social media post by the mom of a sixth grader worried about what classes her child should take and which extracurriculars “look better,” because she wants to ensure that the child gets into a top-notch university. I understand that the parent is concerned about her child’s future and wants to guide them toward the paths that she thinks they should follow, as the assumption is that better schools lead to better jobs, and better jobs lead to better success.
However, that is too much pressure to put on an eleven or twelve-year-old child. Having an expectation that your child will go to college after high school is reasonable, but it is important to remember that the child still has to be a child. I get concerned when parents focus so much on the future that they push their kids to grow up too quickly and to focus on a very long-term goal that may not align with their abilities or their desires. Some parents feel pressured to produce the most successful kids, and that pressure results in anxiety for their kids because they are not old enough to make those types of decisions or handle that kind of stress. And that’s when mental health concerns can become very real for families, and kids’ mental health must be the top priority.
So, we want to keep our kids motivated for the things that are right in front of them. We need to keep in mind that the things that motivate kids drastically vary from one child to another, even in the same family. Not all kids are motivated by rewards. Not all kids are motivated by praise. And, most kids definitely do not get motivated when their parents tell them that they will lose their phone or other electronics or be grounded if they fail a class. In all honesty, most adolescents don’t think those negative consequences actually will happen to them, and that’s because of their developmental stage. Parents really are fighting a losing battle at times.
But, the news isn’t all bad. For the kids who are motivated by rewards or praise, use those to keep them going. For the kids who hate losing their phones and electronics and being grounded, keep reminding them of those potential consequences. To be truly effective at motivating our kids, we need to support them. Ask them to see their assignment books. Ask them when their next quiz or test is. Quiz them using their study guides. Suggest they make flashcards or practice with you. Offer to proofread their papers. You may not be able to help them with their math, but you can remind them to use their textbooks and look at the examples or use an app that can break down the problem for them. Email their teachers and let them know that you think they need some extra help or support. Ask for websites for guidance. When our kids see that we are invested in them, they are much more likely to invest in themselves.
If the other side of the coin is true for your child, and they are so motivated to get Honor Roll or High Honor Roll that they cannot imagine what will happen if they don’t, it’s your job to help them balance that expectation of themselves. Even if parents aren’t saying a word about their kids’ grades or celebrating only their As, these kids hyperfocus on those achievements anyway. I often guide these kids, in individual consulting sessions, to make intentional mistakes so they can see that they literally are okay if they aren’t perfect and that their parents will love them just the same. I also teach their parents how to focus on other aspects of their children, like their creativity, artistic ability, musical ability, sense of humor, etc., so that they can begin to view themselves as well-rounded, rather than just as a top-notch student.
As parents, we feel pressure to raise kids who do well in school. That should not translate to validating or celebrating them only if they do well, though. That also should not mean that we allow them to shoulder the pressures of school on their own. It is a balancing act, and we need to ensure that our kids are balancing their academics with other strengths and activities so that they don’t put too much pressure on themselves. Nobody said this parenting gig would be easy, and we all know how difficult it is to be a kid. Be mindful of who is putting pressure on whom and when.
If you are worried that your child is not motivated to do well and is in danger of falling, or if you are concerned that your child focuses only on academics, reach out to schedule a consultation. I provide individual consultations to people ages five and older, and I also provide family consultations to help parents understand how to motivate their children and support them through school. Educational consulting also is helpful for parents who want to learn more about their children’s learning styles or learning challenges. I also guide parents through understanding the IEP and 504 Plan processes and how to advocate for their children. The initial consultation is free to ensure we are a good fit for one another, and all B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free.
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