~ Bailey Shawley, M.Ed, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant
I read a post this morning by a mom who felt moved to share how she almost ruined Christmas by assuming that her son asked for a second gaming system controller out of greed, as the one he already had was working well. She detailed how, at the last second, she bought the extra controller for him. Then, she struggled with a mix of emotions when she learned that he had asked for the controller not for himself, but for his sister, so she could play games with him. The mom was so proud of her son while also feeling so upset about assuming the worst of him.
I would love to say that I never have assumed the worst of my children and that I always have understood their actions and intentions perfectly. Sadly, I cannot say either of those things is true. In fact, I was guilty of making an assumption about one of our boys over the weekend. When I saw him muttering under his breath in response to his grandmother telling him some important details, I thought he was being incredibly disrespectful and rude. I did not address the situation in the moment because I was so angry that I knew I needed some time to work through my own strong negative feelings before talking to him about it. Remember, it is better to respond than to react when you are upset.
So, I spoke to my son about the incident this morning. To be honest, I was frustrated by the length of time it took him to get out of bed and get dressed, and I sternly told him that he needs to be more accountable for himself. I reminded him that we all need to be out of the house on time, that he had dragged his feet about completing some tasks over the weekend, and that he needs to be respectful when interacting with people. He looked me in the eye, told me he knew that, and said, “Okay.” It wasn’t his typical reaction to one of my reminder talks, and I could tell that he was processing what I had said, so I let it go at that moment. I did not want to escalate the situation when I could tell he was not ready to talk, and I definitely did not want him to go to school full of negative emotions.
Once he got in the car to leave for the day, he said, “Mom, I wasn’t being disrespectful. She was giving me a lot of options and I felt overwhelmed, and I was just saying to myself that it was okay that there were so many options.” And I immediately apologized for accusing him of being disrespectful when he actually had been using a coping skill that I had taught him. And I felt like a heaping pile of mom garbage. He then apologized for being kind of a pain about doing what he had needed to do over the weekend and for not getting going as quickly as he needed to this morning. And we hugged, and he smiled and told me he loved me when he got out of the car at school. I still felt like mom garbage.
How does it feel when people misinterpret your words and actions? If you’re like me, you first get defensive and then later overanalyze how it happened, and you feel badly that the person did not understand your intentions. I also know that I feel even worse being the person on the accusing end than on the receiving end of the misunderstanding. That’s why I’m bringing it to everyone’s attention today, as I am starting to fear how much we do this to our kids on a daily basis. And if we are, we need to be accountable for it.
As adults, we can fall into the trap of being authoritarian in our parenting and communication styles. We teach our children to not talk back, to not be disrespectful, and to not ignore our requests. We set those boundaries and expectations as we try to raise respectful, productive, accountable young people. But I think we have a parent mindset that our kids will fail to meet our expectations, so every time something happens that seems to align with that mindset, we automatically assume that it does. Once I started having conversations with my children instead of automatically accusing them, though, I realized that my assumptions typically were incorrect. They did not let in the dog as soon as I asked them to because they were finishing another task first. They weren’t just ignoring me. And that’s why I felt like an even larger pile of mom garbage this morning: I had slipped back into the authoritarian mindset when I was stressed and frustrated, and I jumped to conclusions instead of having a conversation about what really had happened and why.
I can’t tell you how many kids I work with who report deliberately halting conversations with their parents because it won’t matter what they tell them; the kids say their parents won’t believe them, won’t listen to them, and won’t give them a chance to explain. In some cases, the kids do exaggerate the reality of the communication. But, in other cases, when I begin having family sessions, I see how parents make assumptions and jump to conclusions. And then the parents ask me why their kids shut themselves in their rooms all day and don’t talk to them. If you had to deal with a boss who treated you like that, would you ever leave your office? So, why do we expect our kids to?
Even the best parents – those who avoid being authoritarian and intentionally choose to be authoritative and conscious parents – make mistakes from time to time. We are human, after all. We may be in a stretch where the kids are pushing boundaries and testing us. We may be stressed or tired and dysregulated ourselves. In those cases, take a minute to recollect yourself (in my case, I took an entire night) and then have a conversation with your child. Remind them of the expectations and boundaries and then listen while they tell you what really was happening. Is there a chance they’ll lie? Of course: they are kids, after all. But, there is a better chance that they will be less defensive and more honest if you talk to them about what occurred instead of jumping to conclusions and unfairly accusing them of doing something.
If you are struggling to understand your child’s behaviors, to know when they are being honest, or to have productive conversations with them, reach out to schedule a consultation. The initial one is free of charge to ensure we are a good fit, and it is available online or in person. Or, if you are struggling to calm and relieve stress after difficult interactions with your kids (or anyone else), reach out to schedule a half-hour or full-hour Reiki healing session to help you recenter, recharge, and relax. All B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free.
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