Actually…

~ Bailey Shawley, M.Ed, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant

I stumbled across this image on social media, and it stopped me in my tracks. Recent consulting sessions with parents largely have focused on communication, and this image perfectly captures what I have been guiding clients to understand: We cannot assume that our kids know what we mean. We have to explicitly tell them in verbal and non-verbal ways.

I know I’ve been guilty of thinking, “Well, he knew what I meant.” But, that’s not how it works with our kids. They are incredibly sensitive to our facial expressions, tone, body language, and all of the other ways in which we communicate with them. There really isn’t an effective parent poker face when interacting with our children.

So, when I didn’t find my son standing in the spot in which I had expected to find him because he had not read my text asking him to wait in that particular spot, and I was exasperated because I already was running late, I couldn’t tell him that it was okay. I was upset about being late, and my tone, facial expressions, and body language showed him that I really didn’t think that it was okay. Even though I hadn’t intended to make him feel like it was his fault, he felt that way because of my verbal and non-verbal communication. As soon as I saw his face, I knew that I needed to correct the situation. Despite my tardiness, I took the time to hug him and tell him that I wasn’t upset with him. I explained that I was running late due to something outside of my control and that I was stressed about being late for our appointment. And, I apologized. His response of, “Actually, I thought you were mad at me,” confirmed that I had needed to take the time to make it right, and we both felt better when I did.

Fully communicating with our kids is crucial to our relationships with them and their relationships with themselves. Open communication matters to our kids’ overall well-being; thus, we need to take the time to actually get it right.

I work with individuals ages 5 and up, parents, and families on improving communication to strengthen connection and enhance comprehension. The initial consultation is free of charge to ensure we are a good fit, and it is available online or in person. All B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free.