~ Bailey Shawley, M.Ed, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant
Fear. For me, it’s the worst feeling in the world. As someone living with anxiety, I know firsthand how spiraling thoughts, intrusive thoughts, and hyperfocus can lead to fear in a heartbeat. My anxiety also makes me believe that the worst-case scenarios are imminent and that I am completely helpless in preventing or controlling anything. Fortunately, I also know how to manage those thoughts and move through those feelings to improve my well-being.
We react to fear in different ways. Some people jump, some people yell, some people shut down, and some people fight. You can see exactly what I mean after watching five minutes of America’s Funniest Videos. What we really are doing is exhibiting trauma responses of fight, flight, or freeze. Those responses also exhibit our tendency to react instead of respond when triggered. Consider two siblings pranking one another. The prankster hides around a corner, intending to jump out and scare the victim. But, the intended victim knows the prankster is hiding and responds by getting the upper hand and scaring the original prankster. Had the victim not known the prankster’s plan, he would have been frightened and reacted by jumping, yelling, dropping to the floor, or fighting. Fear makes us react. We believe we are in danger, our survival mode kicks in, and our logical brains take a backseat. We don’t think about our reactions because we literally cannot think when we are in survival mode.
On some level, that is what bullies attempt to do: continually harass and threaten victims so they remain in a perpetual state of survival. It’s much easier to control people who are fearful, and it gives the bully a false sense of respect: they do what I tell them to do because they respect me. (No, we do what you tell us to do because we are afraid of you.) And, that’s why I love the scene in A Christmas Story when Ralphie has enough and fights back. All of those years of pent-up anger, frustration, embarrassment, and hurt come out physically and verbally. It’s like an out-of-body experience for him until his mom shakes him, shouts his name, and gets him to make eye contact with her. And then he cries. That’s a lot of big emotions coming out all at once because they never had come out of Ralphie before. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t recommend that my clients physically fight, just as I don’t recommend that they hold in their emotions until they explode. But, it is extremely satisfying to see someone who has been made to feel weaker for so long stand up and take back their life.
So, when I consult with clients who have been bullied, who have been made to feel weak and insignificant, who have been in a perpetual survival state, we focus on healing and empowerment. How can this person believe that she is safe? How can this person begin to understand that she deserves to be treated better? How can this person start identifying and acknowledging her strengths? How can this person get out of survival mode so she can start responding instead of reacting? It’s a time-consuming process because in addition to doing all of the necessary trauma and healing work, we also build trust, self-esteem, confidence, and other critical components of self-worth. It’s also difficult because there are setbacks, and the parts of life that are outside of our control keep happening. And some days, clients do feel defeated; but, I remind them they are not starting from square one, and they are not doing it alone.
It takes a lot of very hard work, but the moment that a client makes her breakthrough and uses her voice, stands up for herself, “fights” back in ways that are meaningful and valuable to her own self-worth… that’s my all-time favorite moment. That’s why I love what I do.
We remain victims when we think that we can’t do anything: What can I do? There’s nothing I can do. I am here to tell you that there always is something you can do. It may not solve everything, and it may be difficult or scary to do it, but you can do something. The first step may be seeking the support of a trained, listening ear like my colleagues and me at Pine Creek Valley Wellness Center. We all utilize trauma-informed best practices, and we all maintain confidentiality. We also create safe spaces for clients in which to tell your stories, and we provide the support needed for telling them. Specifically at B Connecting, I utilize trauma-informed practices to help clients fill their mental toolboxes with effective, evidence-based strategies and techniques for managing intrusive thoughts, calming spiraling thoughts, and focusing on regulating the nervous system to get out of the survival state. When you are ready to break free of the fear, reach out. Initial consultations with B Connecting are free of charge to ensure we are a good fit and are available in person or online.
B Connecting, LLC 