It’s What They Need

~ Bailey Shawley, M.Ed, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant

From the time our children are born, we try to figure out what they need. We learn their various cries and sounds and try to accommodate them before they can speak. We work with their pediatricians to make sure we give them what they need to grow and thrive. We read to them and give them tummy time and play music in an effort to give them what they need to develop.

And, as those babies grow up, they get to the point where they can communicate their needs to us. They become more independent as they mature. And, we begin to have expectations about the things they should be able to do without our constant oversight. It’s exciting when we no longer have to provide for their every need; we begin to have more time to do other things, including spending quality time with them and having fun with them without attending to them every second.

A conversation with a colleague this week made me wonder, though, how much energy and effort we put into giving our kids what they need as they age. I know we continue providing for their basic needs. We also provide transportation and money for extracurricular activities, and we continue providing guidance and oversight. I also hope that we continue to engage in effective parenting by setting boundaries and establishing clear rules and expectations and age-appropriate consequences.

I’m just not sure that we attend to their emotional needs as much as we should as our kids age. Previously, I wrote about allowing our kids to cry and supporting them through disappointment and academic and athletic challenges. I’ve also recently written about communicating clearly with our kids. At the heart of all of that is ensuring that we understand our kids’ needs and that we continue doing our utmost to meet them. And yet, I hear parents tell them that they should not need such-and-such anymore or that they need to be able to do such-and-such by themselves. As with most things in life, that’s partly true. I strongly encourage parents whose children who infantilize themselves, use “baby talk,” or exhibit other behaviors that are below their developmental abilities and age appropriateness to verbalize that and support their children through correcting their behavior. It’s when parents limit or deny kids access to things that they truly do need for emotional and mental well-being that I get concerned.

For example, many kids need support with their homework and assignments. Parents typically sign younger elementary-age kids’ academic planners or worksheets, and they often sit with their kids to support them through their homework. But, at what age does that stop? If you have a child who is anxious about math or has little confidence in their abilities, do you sit beside them while they complete their homework? Being there to provide encouragement, look over their work, and engage in emotional co-regulation as they become frustrated may be necessary for our middle school and early high school students. Yes, they go to school without us and take tests without us, but sometimes they still need us to be nearby when they do difficult things.

We also may have kids who are frightened when visiting the dentist or the doctor. And it’s when we parents feel like they should be able to do things on their own that our assumptions may, at best, be unfair to our kids and, at worst, be detrimental to their well-being. I know adults who avoid blood draws at all costs, and I see adults with support people in the lab waiting room. I also know adults who take friends with them to routine medical appointments just in case they have to get an injection. Adults have the luxury of having support, and our kids should, too. So, if our older kids still feel like they need us to go with them to their appointments, we should honor that.

There is a difference between supporting and enabling. When we support our children, we help them through situations that benefit their overall health and well-being. When we enable our children, we help them engage in activities that are detrimental to their overall health and well-being. I don’t know any adults who don’t appreciate support from their loved ones when they need it. So, let’s be sure that we continue providing support for our kids, even if we think they should not need us for those activities anymore. Remember, they are still kids; they’re just in bigger bodies.

I stand firmly behind the idea that parenting is a balancing act. We need to give our kids what they need, physically and emotionally, while also ensuring that they are becoming independent and self-sufficient. It can feel impossible to know when to push less or when to support more, and we often second-guess ourselves. In my consulting work with individuals, parents, and families, I help everyone keep age-appropriateness, developmental levels, and emotional needs in mind while working toward goals. When you’re ready for support in parenting, reach out or schedule a consultation. The initial consultation is free of charge to ensure we are a good fit for one another, and it is available in person or online. Or, if parenting is causing you stress, consider scheduling a half-hour or full-hour Reiki healing session to help you relax, recenter, and recharge. All B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free.