Can We Trust Our Teens?

~Bailey Shawley, MSEd, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant

Our older son will be sixteen in a less than four months, and I absolutely do not feel prepared to be the parent of a sixteen year old. Sixteen is such a landmark year with driving and working and growing up. Our son is very intelligent, driven, sensitive, curious, and hardworking. He’s caring and loving and kind. He saves money better than anyone I know. He’s a reader. An athlete. A thinker. A helper. I trust him implicitly. Honestly, I’ve never worried about leaving him home alone once he was old enough to do so. I’ve never worried about him being in charge of his younger cousins. I’ve never worried about the friends he has or the decisions he’s made.

Our son and I just so happen to have a lot in common. We both are the older siblings to younger brothers. We are the first grandchild, the oldest cousin, and the responsible ones. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to get the right grades, take the right classes, and do the right thing. We spend a lot of time making sure that we do what we “should” do. And my parents trusted me implicitly, too. And then I turned sixteen and took more chances and broke more rules and took some risks I never would have thought of taking before I was sixteen. And soon our son will be sixteen, and, quite frankly, I’m terrified.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t do a fraction of the things my younger brother did. I didn’t do a fraction of the things a lot of my friends and classmates did, either. I never was completely unsafe or totally stupid or reckless. But, I did some things that I know my parents would have been surprised about at the very least and angry about at the very worst. And now that I’m on the other side of sixteen, I have such an urge to clamp down on our son even though he never has given us one reason to do so. I want to keep him safe… but I think what I really want to do is turn back the clock and keep him little forever. And that would not be fair to this kid who has worked so hard and done so well.

So, I have to do the hard thing and keep trusting him. I have seen him develop into a leader among his peers and teammates. I have seen him walk away from situations that would have triggered me into a reaction I would have regretted. I have seen him steer others away from impulsive choices. I have heard him tutor and mentor his younger brother and cousin. I have to remember all of those things as he gets ready to head out into the world behind the wheel of a car and out into the world of early adulthood and trust that he will be okay. I also have to trust the lessons and love that we have poured into our son since the moment he was born.

I’ve written about parenting styles and cautioned against being an authoritarian parent because parenting from a place of “control leads to kids being insecure, stressed, hostile, and aggressive as adults.” Kids of controlling parents also are much more likely to struggle with managing emotions and to be diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and substance abuse disorders. Kids who feel controlled also feel like they need to break out and assert their independence, and that’s often when they act impulsively, dangerously, and recklessly. I consult with parents who parent in that way because they were parented in that way, and I help them understand that authoritative parenting is the better option for all family members. And yet, it is tempting to want to control this kid when he turns sixteen…

But then I would be parenting out of fear and a false sense of power. I would be reacting to my son’s birthday and what I think it means to be sixteen, rather than responding to an amazing young man who needs to spread his own wings and make his own way in the world. He needs to make his own decisions and mistakes. I know we have given him a foundation of communication, comprehension, connection, trust, and love so that he will come to us for support and guidance, like he always has. Now, I need to step back and let him start to build on that foundation because he knows that we trust him to do so.

Parenting adolescents and teens is such a delicate balance of guidance, support, space, and trust. If you are struggling with that balance, or with knowing how to trust your child instead of controlling them, reach out to schedule a consultation. I also work with kids ages five and older who struggle with impulsivity, emotional regulation, self-esteem, and other social, emotional, and behavioral issues. The initial consultation is free of charge to ensure we are a good fit for one another and is available in person or online. Or, if you are stressed due to parenting or for any other reason, reach out to schedule a half-hour or full-hour Reiki healing session. All B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free.