Fill Them Up

~ Bailey Shawley, MSEd, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant

Parents love to love their children. Even on the most chaotic of days, we can put them to bed with a story and a hug and close the door appreciating the opportunity to be that special kid’s mom or dad. We can do that while also being thrilled that bedtime finally came and we finally can sit down for a minute. Let’s be real.

In my parenting consulting sessions and parenting workshops, one question that has been fairly prevalent is, “How do I know I’m helping them emotionally?” We love our kids so much that we don’t want to miss something, and we certainly don’t want to be the reason they need therapy down the road. Again, let’s be real: therapy is good for all of us at one point or another, and everybody should have a safe space and safe person to talk to as we try to navigate this crazy life. So, when we think about our kids holistically, we want to ensure that we are filling them up with love and security to build their emotional intelligence and emotional stability. We want their mental health to be as healthy as their physical health.

Some of the best ways to fill their emotional cups are fairly simple, and I’ve found that most parents already are implementing many of the strategies. But, if you’re looking for more ways to fill those little cups to the brim, I suggest you do the following.

• Listen to your kids. Put down your phone. Get to their eye level. Sit beside them. Give them your undivided attention. Parents of teens wish their kids would want to talk to them as much as they did when they were younger. By the way, parents of older kids should use these strategies, too. If you want to bump up your listening game a notch, engage in active listening. Summarize what your kids say. Ask clarifying questions. Go with their imagination. Reassure them when they share their fears. Encourage them when they share their dreams.
• Use words of praise. It is your job to build up your child, especially when so many aspects of the world will tear them down. Tell them when they do a good job. Notice when they try their best. Applaud them when they make progress. Encourage them to try again. Show them that they matter and that you appreciate their effort and growth. It also doesn’t hurt to remind them that setbacks and failures are learning opportunities.
• Help them identify their strengths. Kids have so many insecurities, but we can help them recognize their strengths. Instead of pointing out their mistakes or correcting them frequently, help them notice what they do well. When they try something new, remind them of what they already can do so they rely upon their strengths while learning. Point out how their curiosity, artistic ability, listening skills, and other strengths make them capable.
• Share what you love about them. We model for our kids even when we aren’t aware of it. When we share what we love about them, they will internalize it and begin loving those things about themselves.
  • “I love how caring you are.”
  • “I love how kind you are.”
  • “I love how you always tell everyone goodnight before bed.”
  • “I love how you giggle when the dog licks your nose.”
• Validate their emotions. No emotion is wrong. It is what we feel in response to something, and it is not something that we do intentionally. Validating kids’ emotions normalizes various feelings and helps them understand that their emotions should come and go. It is just as important for our kids to acknowledge their sadness, understand it, and work through it as it is for them to recognize their happiness and enjoy it.
• Spend quality time together. Parents often lament the fact that they don’t have enough time to spend with their children. Long ago, a friend told me that when we can’t control the quantity of time that we spend with our kids, we can control the quality of time we have with them. I’ve held on to that and made sure that our time is our time. I have improved my work-life balance. I have planned time with my kids when our electronics and responsibilities take a backseat. Our kids are kids for such a short time; make the most of that time with them whenever possible.

While it is our job to fill our kids’ emotional cups, it also is our job to help them learn to fill their own cups. Unfortunately, we often don’t recognize when our cups are empty, and if we don’t model self-care strategies, our kids won’t learn to implement them, either. Parents often struggle to take the time to engage in self-care, but it is nearly impossible to fill someone else’s cup when you’re running on empty. One way to jumpstart your self-care is to schedule a half-hour or one-hour Reiki healing session. Or, when you are ready to engage in consulting work to learn to prioritize self-care or to learn to implement other strategies for building up and supporting your children, reach out or schedule a consultation. The initial consultation is free of charge to ensure we are a good fit and is available via telehealth or in person.