What We Need

~ Bailey Shawley, MSEd, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant

One of the best questions we can ask a loved one is, “What do you need?” We aren’t making them defensive by asking, “What is wrong?” Asking what they need also indicates that we want to offer support in a way that will fulfill them. It gives us a chance to care for someone, and it gives them a chance to tell us how we can help effectively. Unfortunately, it’s also one of the worst questions we can ask. How can that be? Well, people don’t always know what they need. They also, at times, hesitate to tell others what they need because they don’t want to be a burden or sound selfish or any of the other excuses people tend to use when avoiding answering truthfully. Honestly, for some people, the question is overwhelming and adds to their stress.

It may seem counterintuitive, but I challenge you to ask that question more often, anyway. If it makes the person you’re asking uncomfortable, or if it overwhelms them, tell them you’ll wait until they know what they need and that you understand. You’re still being caring and supportive, but you’re not assuming that you know what they need or pressuring them into telling you immediately. You’re also holding the person accountable for telling you what they need at some point; a little push toward engaging in self-care isn’t a bad thing.

But, I challenge you even more to answer the question truthfully when it is asked of you. I’ve found that people wouldn’t ask if they really didn’t want to help. Yet, we tell ourselves that they don’t mean it or they’re just being nice, so we fail to connect with others. We also lose the opportunity to be nurtured. Worse yet, we start allowing our minds to think that we don’t need any help or support, that we somehow aren’t worthy of help or support, and that we are fine. What we should do, instead, is put time and effort into identifying and verbalizing what we need. That requires mindfulness and a willingness to acknowledge that everyone needs help and support at one time or another. It also takes a great deal of strength to tell someone what we need and then accept it from them. You’ll gain more of that strength as you continue to practice accepting help and support.

So, let’s try this again. What do you need?

Maybe it’s a hug.
Maybe it’s quiet time to sit together and know that someone is there for you.
Maybe it’s a walk around the neighborhood.
Maybe it’s a long drive.
Maybe it’s blasting your favorite song on repeat.
Maybe it’s a long, hot shower.
Maybe it’s wrapping up in a blanket and reading a book.
Maybe it’s a listening ear without any problem-solving, advice giving, or lecturing.
Maybe it’s standing outside and breathing in the fresh air.
Maybe it’s driving out to the woods and screaming.
Maybe it’s coloring in an adult coloring book.
Maybe it’s digging in the dirt.
Maybe it’s cooking or baking.
Maybe it’s participating in a Reiki healing session.
Maybe it’s getting out of the house and window shopping or browsing.
Maybe it’s sitting in a park and watching people.
Maybe it’s sitting near a body of water or listening to water sounds.
Maybe it’s self-reflecting through journaling.
Maybe it’s taking time for a good cry.
Maybe it’s taking a nap.

Whatever you identify as your need, allow the person to help you engage in it or follow through with it. Verbalizing your needs also leads to much healthier choices because you are sharing your needs with someone else.

Additionally, parents should be asking our kids what they need when we notice they are struggling, getting quiet, or pulling away. Again, we run the risk of having them become defensive, so I recommend saying, “Hey, I noticed that you’re a little quiet today. What do you need?” That is such a powerful way to ask our kids what’s going on without shutting down the conversation before it even begins. It’s also very powerful to use the strategy of telling them that you’re ready to listen when they’re ready to share. Even if our kids don’t know what they need, or can’t yet verbalize exactly what they need, we let them know that we see them and are there for them without pressuring them.

It can be just as challenging to help others as it is to accept help ourselves. Approaching the conversation in a less threatening way by telling people what we need from them, or asking them what they need from us, is such a powerful way to communicate and connect. Give it a shot, and I bet you’ll be surprised by the difference it makes.

Certain people do find it extremely difficult to tell others what they need and to accept help and support. Various life experiences and situations often influence our ability to be receivers instead of givers. If you’d like some guidance in identifying your needs, reach out or use the secure client portal to schedule a session. The initial consultation is free of charge and runs approximately 15-30 minutes to ensure we are a good fit for one another; initial consultations may be held via teleheatlth or in person, too. Or, if you think you need support in improving relaxation and recharging your energy, reach out or use the portal to schedule a half-hour or one-hour Reiki healing session.