~ Bailey Shawley, MSEd, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant
I don’t really love the word “normal.” I’m still not sure what it means because it’s such a relative and subjective term. What’s normal for one person or family may be unusual or unheard of for another. So, when parenting clients ask me if their kids’ behavior is normal, I cannot give a simple yes or no answer: what they’re really asking me for is reassurance that their child is okay and that they don’t have to worry. As a mom, I understand why they need to know whether their child’s behavior is “normal.” But, as a parenting consultant, I steer parents away from considering what’s “normal” in the big picture and looking more carefully at what’s the norm for their own children. I also understand that it can be uncomfortable when I tell parents that it’s okay for their child to not be okay sometimes, as long as they are not engaging in self-harm or having any active suicidal thoughts. And if that is the case, then it’s okay that their child needs to be evaluated to get the proper level of care.
Sometimes, our kids behave in ways that are “normal” for them. One neurodivergent kid will stim in one way that is completely “normal” for them, while a neurotypical kid may not react in any way to an overstimulating environment. Another kid may handle anger by hitting a punching bag, while another kid may grow very quiet while angry. If those behaviors are the norm for your child and the strategies are effective because they can move through their feelings and not get stuck in them, then there may not be much cause for concern.
Other times, parents want to know if thier tweens and teens are “doing this” because of hormones. Are the mood swings due to puberty? Is she really depressed, or is it just hormones? Is he becoming more self-conscious because of anxiety, or is this just a normal part of being twelve? Again, I can’t provide those answers specifically, but a primary care physician can answer much more effectively by ordering bloodwork and reviewing the results. Often, hormones can play a part in our kids’ behavior changes and mental health struggles, but we can’t chalk everything up to puberty and just hope it’s just a phase. Getting the right professionals involved with the right testing and assessment provides necessary information for making an effective plan of action.
Thus, my recommendation for parents is to be present and on the lookout for significant changes in your kids’ moods, appearance, or behaviors. If they love hanging out after dinner as a family and playing games and watching movies, but suddenly they practically run to their room after dinner and isolate all night, that is cause for concern. Concern means that it’s time to check in with your child to see what’s going on that’s causing the behavior change. Keep in mind that being defensive and taking it personally will not result in a productive conversation. It’s better to be curious, rather than accusatory, with our questions. “Hey, I noticed you’re spending a lot more time in your room after dinner. Anything you want to talk about?” You may learn that there is a big school project due. Or that they want privacy because they’ve started “talking” to their crush. Or, they may not answer you and tell you everything is fine. If you try again in a couple of days and get the same non-response, then it’s time to consider involving a professional who is trained in assessing and evaluating kids.
Raising kids really isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s unsettling to observe changes in our kids and not have immediate, black-and-white answers. It’s challenging to have conversations with them about their feelings and behaviors. It’s frustrating when they don’t want to tell us everything like they did just a few, short months ago. The good news is, the tween and teen years don’t last forever; the bad news is they last long enough to make life difficult for everyone. Fortunately, parents can make things a little easier by being present, observing, questioning with curiosity, and involving the necessary professionals.
Proactive parenting is the best approach for being aware of potential concerns and addressing them. I support parents in increasing presence and awareness and in having potentially tough talks with their kids. I also consult with kids who may not meet diagnostic criteria but who can benefit from working with a trained professional to increase mindfulness, implement effective coping skills and strategies, and talk through challenges to process them and move forward with a new set of tools to address them. I also work with families who already have mental health providers in place but want more family support in communicating, implementing skills and strategies, and strengthening the family unit. When you are ready for support or guidance, reach out or schedule a consultation.
B Connecting, LLC 