~ Bailey Shawley, MSEd, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant
I’ve mentioned before that I belong to far more moms groups on Facebook than I probably should. I stay in all of them because it’s incredibly helpful to find out when summer camps are being held, when athletic shoes and clothing are on sale at which stores, and when new activities are available for adolescents. The groups also help me stay up-to-date on the latest slang and lingo, which feels like a full-time job lately. It’s also helpful to keep tabs on trends with kids and parents in other communities as my business grows.
For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been noticing an uptick in parents asking questions about their kids. Moms are posting anonymously, which I appreciate, since their kids likely don’t want their challenges broadcast across social media. I also appreciate that they seek other moms’ advice from their own lived experiences and that they seek support from the group as well. And every once in a while, I get some ideas for blog posts; in fact, my previous blog post addresses the trend of moms asking whether their kids’ behaviors were normal, but the new vein of questioning feels different.
The latest trend among the moms in my groups is questioning whether their kids’ symptoms are age-related, ADHD-related, or depression-related. The specificity of those questions makes me uncomfortable because it alludes to the fact that the kids already have diagnoses, which means that their mental health providers and primary care physicians are the best people to ask about their children. I’m all for seeking support and asking questions in a safe online forum, but some questions are better left to those directly involved in the case. ADHD and depression, especially in adolescent boys, present very similarly. A well-meaning mom could provide an answer that fits her own child but may be poor advice for a child with a completely different diagnosis.
I’m all for seeking support and asking questions in a safe online forum, but some questions are better left to those directly involved in the case.
It would be much more helpful if the anonymous moms contacted their kids’ providers with specific questions. Yet, many moms worry that their questions will seem dumb or silly, so they ask those around them instead of the mental health and medical providers. We worry about looking incompetent, or worse – looking like bad moms – so we make ourselves anonymous and ask strangers. Throughout my career, I’ve found that nine times out of ten, a mom’s intuition is spot-on, and if they can pose those questions to other moms, then they should be able to pose them to the experts on their child, too. And trust me, providers appreciate moms who are observant and who ask questions, even if it’s just to be sure.
The other thing that moms seem to be afraid to do is ask their kids. We ask our friends, we ask our co-workers, we ask our moms, we ask other moms, but we never seem to ask our own kids the questions that are about them. In my consulting work, I’ve come across a litany of parents, guardians, and caregivers who present as being afraid of asking questions. What if I put ideas into his head? What if he gets upset and shuts down? What if I make things worse? I usually challenge them by asking, “What if you get to have a conversation with your child?” We spend so much time worrying about what could go wrong that we often miss opportunities for things to go right.
But, I do understand the hesitancy in asking our kids tough questions. And I also know that it’s hard to continue asking questions if you haven’t gotten anywhere with your kid for a while. That’s why I encourage parents to ask the right questions in the right way. It’s helpful to be observant and curious with the questions. Avoid asking why? because our kids often don’t know the answer, but they do know other things that can paint a clearer picture for us. And, asking why? can make them immediately defensive, which will shut down the conversation before it even begins. Instead, try asking questions like…
- Hey, I feel like you’ve been isolating a little more. Is there anything you want to talk about?
- Hey, I noticed that you’ve been giving me really short answers lately. Is that true, or is that just how I feel?
- Hey, it seems like you’re a little more stressed. What do you need?
- Hey, is there anything I can do to make tonight a little easier for you?
- Hey, do you want to go get some ice cream and tell me what’s been going on lately? I feel like we haven’t connected for a little bit.
- Hey, I was thinking about going for a walk/run/jog. Want to join me?
You may strike out with your kids some of the time. But, if you continue to be observant and curious, and you ask them questions while checking in with their mental health and medical providers, you will get more of the answers you seek. At the very least, it will open more doors for connecting with and comprehending your child. It may just give you some more peace of mind, too.
It can be difficult to get the conversation ball rolling with our kids, especially with our tweens and teens. One of the services I most love providing to clients is facilitating conversations. Sometimes, that involves meeting with parents to discuss communication styles and approaches. Sometimes, that involves meeting with kids to allow them to talk to someone who isn’t their parent until they feel more confident in doing so. And sometimes, that involves meeting with the parents and kids together to mediate a conversation. Concerned parents often are more successful when they become curious parents. I’d love to help you make that switch. Click the “schedule a session” button below or visit https://bconnectingllc.clientsecure.me to inquire about services or to schedule.
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