~ Bailey Shawley, MSEd, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant
I’ve been getting more nostalgic. We soon will have a thirteen and a sixteen year old, and those numbers are milestones in my book. Two kids in their teen years at the same time, one kid preparing to get a driving permit, one kid feeling like he’s grown because he’s a teen, and one mom ready to cry when she thinks about it… and one husband trying to navigate a whole host of emotions and changes all at once. I’m feeling a lot of pressure to make their upcoming birthdays something special, to keep making memories while we still can (why do these ages feel so final?), and to have as much quality family time as possible. I know it’s silly. I know that these are just numbers. But this feels momentous.
But I also know the pressure is coming from my own head. I’m the one who remembers their first time at an aquarium, their first time at a Phillies game, their first time at Knoebels and Hershey Park; the boys never talk about their firsts. Instead, most of the memories they talk about involve our own backyard or camp or minor family outings like fishing or having a picnic. They enjoy spending time together and with us as a family, plain and simple. I could save so much time and money if I could be that way, but I still feel the pressure to make everything special for them. And yes, I know that’s got a lot more to do with me than it does with them.
So, I think it’s a really good time to remind myself – and anyone else who needs it – that it doesn’t have to be spectacular or over-the-top for it to be meaningful and special. If we take the time to ask our kids about their favorite days, we may just be surprised by their answers; to this day, I’m still surprised that our younger son remembers making iced cookies to commemorate an accident he had because I focus much more on the accident than on how we healed from it. We often get so caught up in whether we are doing it right and whether it is enough that we miss the good things that happen each day. Our kids don’t need a perfect day or a perfect parent. What they need is for us to be present and engaged in meaningful ways every day. I’ve written before about putting down our phones, getting to our kids’ eye level when talking to them, making space for them, and truly listening to them. It’s those times when we put everything else aside and give our kids our full, undivided attention, that they feel seen and heard. That’s when we connect with them and strengthen those bonds. No wonder those are their favorite days.
I work with several families who feel disconnected for a variety of reasons. I provide a safe space for kids to tell their parents how they feel and what they need, and I coach families through having tough but necessary discussions. I also help children and adolescents begin to see things from their parents’ point of view so they feel less defensive and can have more productive conversations as a family. Overall, I guide families through compromising, working together, and enhancing connection, communication, and comprehension. When you’re ready to start making those improvements in your family, reach out for more information or click the “Schedule a Session” button below to access the secure client portal to schedule. All B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free.
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