This Isn’t Permanent

~ Bailey Shawley, MSEd, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant

When we are in the moment, especially if it’s a bad moment, we tend to think it will last forever.
I’ll never be able to do this!
Nobody will ever forget this happened.
I’m always going to be alone.
It’s hard to see beyond the here and now because we feel such strong negative emotions about the situation, whatever it may be. In reality, because we are the ones at the center of the negative event, we hyperfocus on it. It’s all we can think about, so we think it’s all anyone else can think and talk about. That’s not true: our brains just make us think it’s true.

This type of negative, all-or-nothing thinking is difficult to overcome. Once our brains head down that negative path enough times, it becomes smooth and easy to follow, so the thoughts naturally go down that path of least resistance. It seems backward: negative thoughts make us feel bad, and humans don’t like to feel bad, so the positive thinking paths should be easier to follow. But, when you consider how difficult it is to be positive – to find the bright side, to make the most of the situation, to find and appreciate the lesson in the struggle – it makes a little more sense that once we go negative, we stay negative. There’s a reason that people say, “Misery breeds company.” Once we start down the negative path of complaints and unfairness, it snowballs until that’s all we can see and feel. Our thought patterns also can be impacted by our environment: if we were raised by negative people, or if we work in a negative environment, we tend to be more negative ourselves.

Is there any good news? Yes! Even our negative thinking isn’t permanent. Once we become mindful of our thought patterns and how they impact us, we are more likely to try to change them. And, once we learn that positive thinking is not the toxic positivity that we see on some T-shirts and stickers, we know that it is much more realistic to be positive in a healthy way. We learn that recognizing that this situation is not permanent is a positive thinking strategy in itself. We learn that by acknowledging that we are struggling today, we can seek support and work to make things better. We learn that confronting our problems head-on with healthy coping mechanisms and support makes them easier to face. We learn that it is okay to not be okay as long as we tell someone we need help or support. We learn that we can sit with our anger and our sadness and our grief and then work through it little by little. Eventually, we learn that we can do hard things, that the embarrassing situation doesn’t matter in the long run, and that we aren’t alone. We also learn to find the glimmers in each day.

Does it take time to change our thinking patterns? Absolutely. Does that mean that it’s impossible to do so? No. But I guarantee that if you aren’t aware of your thinking patterns, aren’t practicing mindfulness, and aren’t implementing some positive thinking strategies, you are making your life harder than it needs to be. A sign in our house features the Grandma Moses quotation, “Life is what you make it. Always has been, always will be.” We cannot control what happens to us or around us, but we can control how we look at it, feel about it, and handle it. I would love to help you learn how to do that when you’re ready.

Individual consulting sessions with Bailey at B Connecting, LLC are for everyone ages 5 and up. Using trauma-informed and evidence-based best practices, Bailey supports clients in identifying strategies, techniques, and coping skills tailored to your strengths and goals. Together, we can challenge your mindset and reach your goals. Are you already working with a therapist? No problem. Consulting is a very different practice from mental health therapy, and clients often engage in both services at the same time. Can you only attend one session a month? That’s okay, too, because consulting is not a prescribed treatment like mental health therapy. Schedule a free, initial consultation to learn more about what specialized consulting with B Connecting, LLC can do for you by visiting the secure client portal or clicking the “Schedule a Session” button below. All B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free.