Which Team Are We On?

~ Bailey Shawley, MSEd, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant

When our kids struggle, it can feel like us against the world. We want to know whom to blame and what happened, and we go into protective mode to the max. Well, some of us do those things. Others of us do the opposite and immediately blame our kids and ask them what they did wrong, and we go into shaming mode to the max. Well, some others of us do those things. Still others of us immediately blame ourselves and ask what we did wrong, and we go into negative self-talk mode to the max. So, who’s right? Unfortunately, none of us is right.

The truth is, we need to change our mindset. Kids struggle because they are human. Parents struggle because we are human. Are there things that happen to us that are outside of our control? Yes. Do we sometimes feel like our kids – and by extension, we, ourselves – are being targeted? Yes. Do we sometimes forget that nobody is perfect and that we all make mistakes? Yes. At the end of the day, we can expend energy on being angry about the things over which we have no influence or control, or we can put our energy into regulating our emotions (and helping our kids regulate theirs) so that we can respond appropriately and move on. And who deserves our energy more than our kids and ourselves?

The challenge comes when it feels like our kids are working against us. And, parents of toddlers, tweens, and teens know that feeling all too well. However, life’s struggles become much more manageable when we remember that we and our kids are always on the same team. Anyone who has watched any sporting event for any amount of time knows that coaches and players and teammates don’t always get along, but they’re always on the same team. They may disagree and throw their helmets and walk away from one another, but they put on the same jerseys and come together at game time, all while cheering one another on and defending one another from bad calls.

And that’s why it is so important for parents to keep in mind our main goal: we help and support our children even when they question and challenge our every move… and, yes, even when they throw tantrums of their own. It is not parents versus kids; it is parents and kids versus the challenging moments. We are on the same team, so we must hang tough with our kids. That knowledge helps us remain grounded and focused so that we don’t take things personally and seek ways to help our kids through the tough times, rather than looking for ways to constantly punish them for being kids.

Don’t get me wrong. Parents remain the managers and coaches of the team. We set appropriate boundaries and expectations for our kids. We ensure they are part of the family team by helping and contributing at home. We hold them accountable for doing their best and being honest. We also help them set goals for themselves. We guide them through resting, caring for their bodies and minds, getting good sleep, and making healthy eating choices. And when they stumble and struggle, especially when working through new challenges and difficult situations, we help and guide them. We go back to the basics. We talk to them. We guide them through practicing emotional regulation skills and using other coping skills so they can move forward successfully. We support them as they learn and grow from their mistakes.

So, which team are we on? Our kids’ team. Every. Single. Time.

Are you feeling more like a referee than a parent? It happens to the best of us. Schedule an initial consultation to see if we are a good fit for one another, or schedule an individual consultation to jump right into consulting. We can work on communication, emotional regulation, routines and transitions, and so much more to bring more harmony to your home and more cohesion to your team. All B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free.