~ Bailey Shawley, MSEd, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant
Our older son plays basketball. We are in the middle of summer league play, and that means that we travel 1-2 hours one way for most games. I love it. That’s not what you thought I was going to say, is it? But, it’s true: I really love it. And the reason that I love it is that I get to have my son all to myself while we travel. To talk. To listen to music. To reflect on the game. To analyze the latest meme or factoid he wants to share. We aren’t focused on what needs to be done at home, or how much the dogs are driving us crazy, or anything else. And. I. Love. It.
That’s not to say that the other parts of summer are as sweet. We still have two teenage boys in the house, after all. Aside from our older son’s basketball games and practices and our younger son’s part-time work with his dad, they are home together a lot of the time. There are arguments, disagreements, frustrations, and conflicts. Notice, however, that I didn’t say there are fights. That is one thing that we don’t have. And I chalk that up to all the work we’ve done to create safe spaces to hash out things with honesty; we all say what we need to say, and we don’t do it in a hurtful manner. Ever. We tell each other what we need, what we feel, and what needs to stop or change. We all set boundaries, and my husband and I set expectations for our boys and one another. We use our healthy coping skills: we take a walk, we take a break, we go to our separate spaces, we engage in healthy physical activity, and then we reconvene to find a solution. No slammed doors. No thrown objects. No words that cut deep.
It took us a long time to get here. We’ve been developing a home where everyone’s feelings and words matter since we had our first son. We didn’t get things exactly right in the beginning – and there still are things that aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination – but we let our kids know from day one that communication is the key to connection and comprehension in our family. We all get a turn to talk. We all can ask questions and disagree. At the core of our family is the understanding that we all will contribute honestly and compromise willingly, but Mom and Dad have the final say, especially when it comes to safety and well-being.
I understand that what works for our family won’t work for everyone… at least, not right away. There is a level of respect and love that has to be achieved first, and I work with several families whose members don’t feel respected or loved. Trauma work is sometimes necessary. Sincere apologies and changed behaviors are often necessary. Learning communication strategies, engaging in role-play scenarios, setting goals, and implementing emotional regulation strategies lie ahead for families who want to achieve true connection and comprehension. And, working through generations of “I’m the parent and I said so,” “Your feelings don’t matter because you’re just a kid,” and “Don’t talk back to me” is not easy or fast. But, the reward on the other side of the work is so incredibly worth it.
Whether your family needs a little boost in communicating or lots of guidance and support from the ground up, I can help. I also support parents in navigating discussions about scary and tragic events, puberty and sex, parent separation and divorce, grief and loss, and several other topics. Reach out if you’d like to get started on the path to greater family communication, connection, and comprehension. All B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free.
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