~ Bailey Shawley, M.Ed, CCTS-F, Specialized Parenting & Educational Consultant
Our sons, a tween and a teen, now are taller than I am. Some of my loving friends and family members tell me that it’s really not that difficult to be taller than I am, but it’s still unnerving to see your babies surpass your height. I think it’s one of those weird parenting moments when you literally are forced to face that fact that your babies aren’t babies anymore. The truth is, they’re doing Algebra and emitting full-grown man smells. But, while they no longer may be my babies, they’re still kids. And I agree with Parenting Teens and Tweens: it’s easy to forget that when they are tall with huge feet and deep voices.
It also reminds me of a conversation I had with a colleague when I was still teaching. I left my first school district to move to my home district, which meant that I transitioned from a strictly middle-school ELA position to a middle and high school English position. When I learned I would have tenth graders, I didn’t know what I was going to do with them. And, when I saw the larger desks and chairs, I panicked. My colleague laughed and said, “They’re still kids, Bailey. They’re just in bigger bodies.” She also laughed when I asked if they would still like stickers, and she assured me they would. Not only did they like them, but they actually fought over them. I absolutely loved teaching tenth grade, too. I laugh about it now, because I realized I panicked about the change rather than my new students, and all of my educational psychology and child development courses taught me that they really were just big kids.
But, I also think that parents fall into the same panicky trap as our kids age. What do we do now? We can’t put them in a Pack ‘n Play to play safely while we clean. We can’t spell things in front of them anymore because they can spell, too. We can’t stay with them at every playdate because once they hit a certain age, it’s just weird. We can’t believe our kids are this old already. And we get stuck in all of the we can’ts because secretly we wish they’d stay little and cute and cuddly forever. Unfortunately, that’s not realistic and we’d miss out on all of the we cans.
Truthfully, it’s actually awesome to parent teens and tweens. We can sleep in a little longer and stay up a little later. We can talk baseball and basketball all the time. We can tell better jokes, have deeper conversations, play more fun games, listen to better music, and get help around the house. We also can see them blossom into young adults with their own sets of values and beliefs. And, it’s really amazing that we can see their extracurricular skills grow and their friendships develop into solid, necessary relationships.
What I love most about being the mom of a teen and tween is the stuff we still can do. Vacations, day trips, sporting events, movie nights – all of it remains quality family time with people who truly enjoy one another’s company… most of the time. We still pack snack bags for roadtrips that contain Sour Patch Kids, Swedish Fish, and goldfish. We still pile on the couch to watch our favorite holiday movies – even if we don’t all fit as well as we once did. We still bop each other for “punch bugs” while traveling. We still make pancakes on Sunday mornings. We still battle it out on the mini-golf courses and on Super Mario Kart. We still make cookies together and fight over who will lick the spatula and beaters. I still grab onto them when we cross the street; but, I enjoy linking arms and walking down the sidewalk with my young men much more than I enjoyed gripping their hands and fearing they would run out into the street. These things that we did with our kids when they were little still matter and make us smile.
Don’t get me wrong. There are many new challenges associated with raising tweens and teens. And there are lots of times when I either think to myself or say to my husband, “What do we do now?” But I think the times I struggle most are the times when I forget that they’re still kids. I see these nearly-grown men walking around my house and change my expectations of them without considering that they’re still kids. I have to remind myself that they’re going to make mistakes and lack common sense and forget things.
They bring me right back to reality when their tweeny/teeny behaviors kick into high gear. Doors are shut, words are sparse, moods are low, tones are harsh, moments together are limited, and eye rolls are strong. So. Strong. And that’s when I am most aware that they are still kids. These boys of ours in their giant bodies need love, structure, boundaries, expectations, chores, open lines of communication, games, jokes, and cookies so that as their bodies and lives and whole worlds change, they can stay grounded and rooted in the familiarity of love and home. They also need space and understanding more than ever before, but they also need the listening ears, open arms, late-night snacks, and comfort that they’ve always had as our kids.
We can’t let those closed doors, eye rolls, low moods, lack of words, or attitudes stop us from treating our kids like kids. Yes, we now respect their space and privacy within reason, guide them, and check on them differently than when they were small, but we still treat them as our children. We don’t shut them out, cut them off, or quit them just because they make parenting tough. We weren’t sure they loved us at age two when they threw royal tantrums, and we aren’t sure they love us at age 12 when they stomp off to their rooms and shut their doors. But we love them through it anyway. This, too, shall pass. But, it’s so much easier when we keep pursuing what we still can with them. They’re still kids… just in bigger bodies.
If you’re struggling to find the joy of parenting or connecting with, communicating with, or comprehending your kids, reach out to schedule a consultation. The initial consultation is free of charge to ensure we are a good fit for one another, and it is available online or in person. Or, if you’re stressed because of parenting challenges, schedule a half-hour or hour-long Reiki healing session. All B Connecting, LLC services are confidential and judgment free.
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